Upper Left Coast

Thoughts on politics, faith, sports and other random topics from a red state sympathizer in indigo-blue Portland, Oregon.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Zarqawi's death leads to treasure-trove of documents

Here's one of the most important ones, translated by James Lileks:
From under the desk of Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, Al Qaeda’s #1 man in Iraq as of 14:41 this afternoon

In the name of Allah the merciful and peaceful, I bring you news of pitiless vengeance. Victory is near! Thanks to the bombs of the Crusaders – Satan curse their on-board guidance systems - Zarqawi has been delivered to heaven, after a brief detour through a window frame. I know all the joyous martyrdoms have made for a hectic week. Personally, my face aches from smiling and my teeth hurt from all the cake, and I have a cramp in my hand from all the paperwork. (On behalf of HR, I would request that you cut down on the number of wives, as it makes pension disbursement rather complicated.) At the risk of dampening your commendable ardor, however, I would request that everyone refrain from glorious dying for a few weeks while we regroup.

This does not mean we are not winning. Some people look at a man who has been gravely wounded and see him as half defeated; I look at him and say he is half martyred.

Nevertheless, there are issues that need to be addressed.

The Crusaders have made several dozen raids since Zarqawi’s release from mortal concerns, and each raid leads to more. I must repeat: stop printing out Google Maps and leaving them around. At least clear your browser history, brothers.

You may have read reports that Al-Zarkawi had in his position a tiger-skinned negligee at the time of his glorious. This is Infidel propaganda. He was a man of highest moral standards. The suggestion that he made his bride, whom he nobly made full with child when she was 14, wear such a sinful garment is meant to weaken your spirit, and make you think of slim dark-eyed ripe women draped in the clothing of wild beasts, lips parted, exhaling the softest perfume of –

All warriors must take three cold showers a day, not two.

Making a whistling sound with a descending pitch in my presence was funny the first time. We all had a good laugh. It is hereby forbidden.

Our attempts to win the hearts and minds of impoverished Iraqis are not helped when you buy the extended warranty on a car you intend to explode.

Finally, patience is our ally. We need not defeat the Americans, only outlast them. Have they not abandoned every battlefield they ever entered? Besides Germany, Japan, Korea, Kosovo and Afghanistan, of course. But just as they left Somalia when their “Democrats” took power, so will they leave Iraq when the criminal Zionist Bush regime is replaced by a slightly less criminal, albeit equally Zionist, Democratic regime. The Democrats wish to quit the war and return to their important issues, such as permitting men to marry, have a child with the cloning of cells, and then abort it. Such a people cannot fight; they can only beseech the United Nations to send Danes to frown from great distances. And I need not remind you that no one was ever killed by a 226 kilogram laser-guided Dane.

Patience, my brothers. All we need to do is saw off enough heads, and they will lose theirs without the blade touching their tender throats. Now if you will excuse me, I need to speak with my bodyguards. One of them is making that whistling sound again. If I told them once, I told them

(document ends)
I love the line near the beginning that requests "everyone refrain from glorious dying for a few weeks while we regroup," but my favorite is near the end:
The Democrats wish to quit the war and return to their important issues, such as permitting men to marry, have a child with the cloning of cells, and then abort it. Such a people cannot fight; they can only beseech the United Nations to send Danes to frown from great distances. And I need not remind you that no one was ever killed by a 226 kilogram laser-guided Dane.
Hee hee.


  • At 6/23/2006 8:40 PM, Blogger Capitol 3 said…

    Hello all
    Finding Jesus
    A Life Fully Surrendered
    A popular Christian song being played on the radio is called "Next Thing You Know." The artist talks about how he got saved when he was 13 watching a Billy Graham Crusade on television. The first time I heard that song, I got goose bumps and said, "Man, that's me! They wrote that song about me."
    by Scott Smith

    My mom and dad grew up in Christian homes, so we went to church as a family. But we were part of the Easter-Thanksgiving-Christmas crowd. My dad worked in the oil field and was gone a lot. I was the youngest of six, and I knew it was tough for Mom. She took us to church when she felt like it or on special holidays, so I had been to Sunday school and had heard the story of Jesus.

    But actually I came to know Christ on a Thursday evening while my mom and I were watching a Billy Graham Crusade. The message was simple and to the point: If I should die without Christ living in my heart, then I would live forever without Him. Billy Graham said that God loves me and that He gave His Son for me. When he said that, and that I can be forgiven, I knew in my heart that I needed Him right then. I felt God all around me. I said, "Mom, I feel like God wants me to open my heart to Him." I knelt on the living room floor in front of the television and asked God to forgive me. I asked Christ to come into my heart as the choir was singing "Just As I Am."

    However, I really didn't have anyone to tell me that I needed to read the Bible, pray and go to church—things that you need to do to grow in your Christian life. So, even though Christ came to live in my heart, I wasn't serving Him the way I needed to be.

    When I graduated from high school at 17, I moved from Louisiana to Mississippi to live with my grandmother. She said, "If you're going to live with me, you've got some rules to live by, and one is you're going to church." I said, "Yes, ma'am."

    The first day I walked into Sunday school, the teacher greeted me. As I left her classroom, she said, "Scott, I'm praying for you." At first, I thought, "Good, I'm glad you're doing that, if it makes you feel good." But after about a year of her praying, God started to get to me. And after three years, when I was 20, I was sitting all by myself at my house one night, and I realized that I really needed to give my life back to Him. I realized that life isn't about friends, it's about giving yourself to God and letting Him take control.

    A few days after that, I went to a revival meeting, and I felt like the guy was talking straight to me. I rededicated my life to the Lord and said, "Whatever You want me to do, I will do." Two months later, I felt God calling me into the ministry. I had already been to school for three years, received two degrees and now was working. I went to talk to my pastor and we prayed. I surrendered my life and plans to God.

    I sat down with my parents and said, "Mom, Dad, I feel called to the ministry. I think I need to go back to school." Mom started crying—I knew she was happy. I asked her what she was feeling. She said that when she was a young girl she wanted to be a missionary. But she got married and had kids and it never happened. She always prayed that God would use one of her children in the ministry, and her prayer was being answered.

    I quit my job, went back to school for four more years and received a degree in Religious Education. For the past 22 years I've been serving Christ in the ministry. My mom and dad always supported me.

    I've been in New Orleans for seven years, and when I arrived, pastors were looking into bringing a Crusade here. I was on board. We needed something like this.

    After Hurricane Katrina, when we got word that the Celebration of Hope With Franklin Graham was going to happen, I was in tears. I knew this was something God would use to touch lives.

    I have my Operation Andrew prayer card and have put my neighbors' names on it. I live on a short, dead-end block with about 10 homes. Almost everybody on the block experienced some type of roof damage from Katrina. I've been praying for my neighbors, and I'll invite all of them to the Celebration. It would be awesome if God saved my whole block—I'd have "church" every morning!

    It seems that the storm has taught everybody that we need each other. We need to work together. And above all, this city needs God.
    Finding Jesus
    "Finding Jesus" features testimonies of people who have accepted Christ through a ministry of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. If you, too, found Jesus through a ministry of BGEA, please write and tell us about it. And tell us what you're doing now. (For more information, please see our "Writer's Guidelines.")
    ©2006 Billy Graham Evangelistic Association
    Photos/Illustrations: Joel Bonner/Genesis Photos/©2006 BGEA


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