At the center of a parent's universe

Betsy Hart, an author and syndicated columnist, recently wrote a book called, "It Takes a Parent." Here's the description on Amazon.com:

Tyrannized by "experts." Obsessed with perfection. Harried and anxious to the point of misery. Columnist and commentator Betsy Hart sees these traits in what she calls today's "parenting culture" – that is, a nation of parents who refrain from making moral judgments, who put their kids on a pedestal whether they deserve it or not, who shy away from disciplining or even criticizing when kids misbehave, and who generally cede the responsibility for making decisions, large and small, to their children. Hart argues that the consequences of this hands-off approach can be seen on the faces of dependent, wayward, and even violent children and teens – not to mention miserable moms and dads.

A mother of four, Hart presents a smart, passionate, and provocative argument for the crucial – and currently unfashionable – role of parents who lead rather than follow. From parents who insist on giving their kids a choice about everything and make excuses for their bad behavior, to those who drive their kids to excel at any endeavor and who turn to trained professionals for every problem, It Takes a Parent questions some tightly held cultural assumptions, and sheds light on the everyday concerns of parents across the nation.

This insightful, commonsense book will help shift the focus back to the role and responsibilities of parents – for guiding the character and hearts of their children, so they will grow up to be responsible adults themselves.

She was interviewed about the book on National Review Online. Among the topics covered:

Divorce:

Like so many people, I never wanted to become a single parent. I was shocked — and devastated — when that decision was made for me by another. But the tragedy of my (impending) divorce occurred as I was writing this book, and it’s part of the fabric of who I am in talking about these matters.

First, in that I’d been writing for years about the sacredness of marriage, and none of that changed because my own marriage ended — in fact, I think my own experience just reinforces, to me at least, what I’d been saying for so long about the importance of marriage; and second, when the reality of being a single parent set in, it didn’t take me long to figure out that what my kids needed more than ever is what every child needs (besides love and affection) — a confident parent willing to guide his child. In one sense, nothing had changed because I was a single parent — I felt it important to communicate that in It Takes a Parent.

Raising Kids With Religion:

Well, it depends what you mean by “raised.” In one sense yes, they can be raised to be ethical, caring people. We all know such folks who have no religious conviction. But I say in It Takes a Parent that my goal for my children is Heaven, not Harvard. (Let me be clear — there is no early indication that my kids are headed for the latter.) If Heaven is our goal, religion is not an option.

Letting Kids Be Kids:

I have a psychologist friend in New York City who tells me that all New York City parents think their child rates in the top 95 percent of. . . everything. You do the math, but it seems to me that doesn’t really leave the little one free to be who he is, free to be a child, and free to fail — does it? Some children do have outstanding intelligence, or talents. That’s great. But even those kids have some pretty ordinary aspects too — and in any event nothing qualifies anyone to be the center of the universe.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t encourage the special talents of our child — I am encouraging moms and dads to ask themselves, “is it really okay with me if my child is ‘wonderfully ordinary’?” Sadly, I think the answer is less and less “yes.”

Criticizing the child's behavior, not the child:

This is one of the basic tenants of the parenting experts. “Separate the behavior and the child.” Huh? We don’t do that when the child is showing virtuous or unselfish behavior — we’re thrilled at what this tells us about his character. But suddenly when he lies, or is unkind or selfish — that behavior showed up in the cereal box or something. Yes, a child can behave badly because of fatigue or ignorance but probably just as often it is simply this — a true reflection of his heart at the moment. And we have to see that heart for what it often really is — flawed just like ours — if we are going to help him overcome the selfish tendencies of his heart.

At its core, I think the “separate the behavior from the child” silliness robs us of the full dignity of our humanity.

I haven't read the book, but it sounds like this lady gets it. First, I appreciated her willingness to be real about her divorce. She has four kids, and she could get bitter about her circumstances, but instead she realizes that the failure of her marriage does not negate the importance of marriage, it simply reminds her of the crucial need for a mom and a dad. This is something the same-sex marriage lobby doesn't seem to understand — they criticize "straights" by telling them to get their own marriage house in order, while straights insist that the failure of some marriages does not diminish the need for strong families. Some in that lobby do claim to understand the sacred nature of marriage — that's why we want it, they say — but refuse to acknowledge the crucial roles that men and women bring to the family structure.

I liked her answer about religion, but I may have to read the book to better grasp her perspective — the answer in NRO was pretty thin.

Finally, I appreciated her rebuttal off the "criticize the behavior, not the child" tripe. I'm not a child psychologist, but do we really think when we criticize our child's behavior that they think, "Oh, it's OK. Dad's just talking about how I act, not how I am as a person." I don't. I believe the child's behavior is "a true reflection of his heart at the moment," as Hart said, and you can't separate the heart from the action. You can only help the child change his or her heart for the better.

As she said in the concluding question, her parents "loved me like crazy," but they also made sure she knew she "wasn’t the center of the universe."