Upper Left Coast

Thoughts on politics, faith, sports and other random topics from a red state sympathizer in indigo-blue Portland, Oregon.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

Name:
Date of Birth:
Height:
Weight:
IQ:
GPA:
Social Security #:
Drivers License #:
Boy Scout Rank and Badges:
Home Address:

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married:
If less than your age, explain:

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
  1. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
  2. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
  3. A waterbed? __Yes __No
  4. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
  5. A tattoo? __Yes __No
  6. An earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. I suggest running.)

ESSAY SECTION:
  1. In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?:
  2. In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?:
  3. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend:
How often you attend:
When would be the best time to interview your:
  1. Father?
  2. Mother?
  3. Pastor?
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by completing each sentence. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
  1. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
  2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
  3. A woman's place is in the:
  4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
  5. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
  6. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
  7. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!):
Mother's Signature:
Father's Signature:
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi:
State Representative/Congressman:

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

5 Comments:

  • At 1/23/2008 8:16 PM, Blogger MAX Redline said…

    Thanks for the laugh! I think it may have warmed me up a little.

    I don't mind cold, and I don't mind wind. I do mind cold and wind. That combo sucks.

    Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

     
  • At 1/24/2008 3:26 PM, Blogger I am Coyote said…

    Yet another reason I love your blog.

     
  • At 1/24/2008 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Then there is the Charles Barkley strategy:

    "When my daughter brings home her first boy, I'll shoot him. Word will get around."

     
  • At 1/31/2008 1:16 PM, Blogger gullyborg said…

    You forgot to add:

    Are you currently, or have you previously been, invovled in a relationship with another woman? - If previously, please describe reasons why the relationship ended.

    Are you currently, or have you previously been, involved in a relationship with another man? - No need to elaborate.

     
  • At 2/15/2008 10:32 AM, Blogger MondaythroughSunday said…

    LOL..Love it!

     

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